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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158578">Blessing and Redemption</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid'>HyperKid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Betrayal, Darkfic, Essek is a war criminal and Caleb still thinks he’s a better person, M/M, Prompt: redemption, Shadowgast Week 2020, Spoilers for C2E97, Warnings: Caleb Widogast, self loathing and redemption</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:27:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158578</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb Widogast is a firm believer in redemption, for everyone but himself. Essek Thelyss never considered himself as needing redemption... until Caleb.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Shadowgast - Relationship, shadogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Blessing and Redemption</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HK: I would finish the angsty one first. <br/>Mollymauk: You would. Angst is always easier. <br/>HK: I mean... the facts. And the prompt was sooner! <br/>Mollymauk: We all know that wasn’t it though. <br/>HK: Yeeeeah... I blame Matt. This dark lil bean’s been waiting since The Episode. The fluff feels so wrong?? But I wants it?? <br/>Mollymauk: You just gotta go back one episode to when they were being cute. <br/>HK: I knooow... and in case anyone somehow missed the tags and needs reminding, </p><p>WE GETTING INTO THE DARK SHIT HERE. </p><p>Lotta Caleb’s self loathing, references to his past, references to Essek’s fuckery, all that good good shit we brush in canon. If this is gonna bother you, do not read the thing! <br/>Mollymauk: Kick her in the ass for fluff tomorrow instead! That’ll be fun for everyone. <br/>HK: I miiiiiight cheat and save the smut for a second chapter BUT I ONLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS WEEK ON FRIDAY I WAS UNPREPARED! <br/>Mollymauk: And now BeauJes week is next week! <br/>HK: Stop reminding me T.T I have ~nothing~. </p><p>WARNINGS!! Caleb McFucking Widogast. References to torture, child abuse, little a murder, self loathing, war crimes, isolation </p><p>Disclaimer: I don’t own these good good boys but I will give them both hugs!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Redemption is... hard. Hard for Caleb to talk about. Hard to even think about. It was what he craved more than anything else in the world, and what he knew he’d never deserve. </p><p></p><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No matter what he did. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No matter what happened. He’d never truly earn that redemption. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But he so, so, so badly wanted it for others. Because if Essek could be forgiven, there had to be a chance for him? Right? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Even if he knew it was a lie. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>** </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek had never really thought about redemption before. In his hundred odd years of life, it had always been something other people sought. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He was a prodigy. So much better than other people. More important. To be given whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, in order to keep doing his much more important work. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He’d never imagined that a mere human, not even born while he’d learned to fly, could trick him. That something with so short a life could stand before one who would certainly be consecuted, and get the better of him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Because while elves are so much longer lived, they also matured more slowly. And in his prodigy, he hadn’t experienced predation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Even when he sold the beacons, he didn’t think about what he’d done. It was his right. He was a prodigy, and he needed more study than the Bright Queen allowed. If that meant slipping a few to other diligent, worthy researchers who would help his own work, well. Study was much more important than mere beliefs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The Empire and the Dynasty didn’t get along anyway. It’s not like it was going to cause a war. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They hadn’t done it yet. They never would. People knew better. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And that was true for two more years. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Even seeing the war begin, hearing of the death toll, none of it was real. Essek Thelyss was the Shadowhand. He dealt with the spies, and they’d always had those. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Nothing new. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Nothing important. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Nothing to regret. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Until one day a group of ruffians brought one of his stolen beacons back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>** </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caleb Widogast knew what powerful mages were like. They were callous, uncaring, untrustworthy, willing to sacrifice anything and anyone just for a little more power. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>All it took was a talent for introspection. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He knew he was right in his distrust when they rescued Yussah. When the elf archmage told him that he had ~taught Trent Ikithon~, knew what that man was, and considered him worthy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Creepy”. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Strange”. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Worthy to walk under the living sky and carve up families, children, and destroy as much as he liked in the pursuit of his work. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There was no difference between him and Halasz, for all his talk of not trusting him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But Essek... Essek was different. He was... well, he was more than three times Caleb’s age, but he seemed so young. So confident, so sure. Just like Caleb had been. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But at the same time... Essek was coy. Soft. Gentle and as they got to know each other, he showed a side that made Caleb hope. That this man, who teased that he’d keep track of every favour and never asked for one in return, might be something different. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Another wizard that Caleb could actually trust. A friend, a confidant, a kindred spirit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>**</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And all the time Caleb was learning from Essek, Essek learned from him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>About loyalty. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>About trust. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>About caring for the lives of others. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Because why should he care for those who so plainly didn’t care for him? For those who respected his den name and didn’t bother to differentiate him from any other? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He had a position of power and respect, one that he had hard gained through decades of diligent study. Yet every time he reached for more he was turned away! Even with all he had done, he was fettered to foolish superstitions. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But the Mighty Nein... they were irreverent, they were foolish, they were silly and futile. No threat to him as they arrived, but he knew he’d have to stay close. Keep an eye on them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he just... didn’t know how to respond to how easily they accepted him into their arms. That, at least, hadn’t been Caleb’s doing. The human wizard was standoffish at first, distrustful and shy. He treated Essek with an obvious wariness that the drow was far, far too used to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But as they spent time together... as Essek used the lure of Dunamancy to keep Caleb’s attention... slowly the man began to open up. To ask for his help without fear in his eyes. To offer his own thoughts and suggestions in their lessons. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he was ~brilliant~. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek almost found it hard to believe that the man had never even heard of Dunamancy before they met. He mastered spells in days or weeks, putting the pieces together and learning in every breath. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The Shadowhand found himself genuinely enjoying their lessons. Looking forward to them, and to any conversation he had with Caleb. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And Caleb... cared. He cared so much, about his friends, about the war, about all the little peasants running around that should have been beneath his notice. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caring about Caleb made it impossible not to see how much Essek’s own actions had hurt him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Made it impossible not to wonder what made the wizard so reluctant to trust him, to give him those fleeting little smiles. That self conscious little blush he got when he realised he’d gotten lost in the possibilities and begun monologuing. Essek couldn’t help but be fascinated by that blush, those pale human cheeks heating to a bright red. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And Caleb’s complexion showed every trace of pink so readily, like nothing Essek had ever seen before. If he had a little more experience he was sure it would tell him so many things. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But not why Caleb instinctively distrusted wizards. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Not why he shrank into himself so far when they had first met, nor why he had turned so vehemently from his former masters. So viciously he could not bear to hear their names. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>As far as Essek knew, the Cerberus Assembly were a charming group. Passionate, intelligent, dedicated, and so, so, so reasonable. Just like him, for all that they lived in different lands. The kinds of minds he was sure as a small child he would have learned much from. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Their Dunamantic knowledge was frankly pathetic and he’d had to share more of his own notes than he’d have liked, but it was painful to listen to every misstep. That this was exactly what each “misstep” was for just... didn’t occur to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caleb’s fear cast them in an entirely different light. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek wasn’t so tactless as to ask directly; he’d been too long in politics, even if it bored him to tears. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caleb was mostly self taught. He would read any book he could find and absorb the information with a speed even Essek found impressive. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But he had been trained as a Volstrukker. Trained by Trent Ikithon, Essek knew, and the man had seemed... off. Far too smug. Far too poised, like a big cat waiting to pounce whenever it pleased. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And Caleb refused to speak of it. Hells, Essek doubted he'd have known if he hadn’t been in the Bright Queen’s chamber when the man arrived. Any mention of his past shut him up lightning fast, like a clam retreating to its shell. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek quickly learned not to ask. He wasn’t quite comfortable with how... beaten Caleb seemed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He began to wonder just who he was dealing with. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Most of his contact with the Assembly was through Da’leth, and Essek certainly wasn’t unwise enough to ask him directly either. But he soon learned that the actual study of the beacon was under Trent’s hands. That, coupled with Caleb’s intense interest, was far more troubling. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And worse still... Caleb would not stop being involved. The man walked headlong into danger, asked Essek to transport them all to so many far off and dangerous places. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The Mighty Nein as a whole were fast becoming the dearest friends he had ever had. The others had warmed to him far faster than Caleb, accepting him with open arms and enthusiasm long before the other wizard’s suspicion faded. It was partly their acceptance and cheerful, irreverent attitudes that gave Essek the freedom to relax. To let his carefully sculpted image slide. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>To show enough of his own uncertainty for Caleb to relax around him in return. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Because Essek was uncertain all of the time now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Uncertain if he’d done the right thing. Uncertain if he could go back. Uncertain of who the fuck he was dealing with at all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Every choice he’d made for almost six years suddenly seemed deeply suspect. Part of him wanted to resent Caleb for that; it had been so much easier when he hadn’t cared. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But part of the work had been done for him, yes? The Bright Queen had one of her beacons back, and Caleb was more than happy to go and steal the other. To put his life at risk yet again to go and fix Essek’s mistake. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>If it had been anyone else... </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But how could Essek fix it? The Assembly certainly didn’t trust him with its location, or anything similar. They barely listened to his advice to not try and fob the Bright Queen off with a new beacon when the peace talks began. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>As if anyone could look at the Dynasty’s beacon and not see the differences between it and one pulled from the dirt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek wouldn’t have known they’d found another if Caleb Widogast hadn’t told him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Trusted him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Opened himself up to Essek in a million ways that the drow had been dreaming of seeing. And now that he had it... he wished he could deserve it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Wished he didn’t have that nagging, gnawing guilt in his chest, a weight attached to every smile they dragged from him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Wished he could believe they would ever forgive him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caleb Widogast was desperate to believe in redemption. Essek had seen that with their captured Scourger, with how fervently Caleb had begged him for her life and the chance to speak with her. With how he had tried so hard to get through to her, even though he must have known how deep that indoctrination ran. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Caleb Widogast could forgive anyone for anything, except himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek was terrified of becoming the exception to that rule. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>** </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It took so, so long for Caleb to let himself believe. To let just a few of his walls down in Essek’s company. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The man had been nothing but generous to him; had taught him Dunamancy, offered him the keys to the kingdom that Caleb wanted more than anything. And Caleb couldn’t trust that. Not when it gave Essek so much power over him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Couldn’t trust his willingness to teleport them around the world, when he always told them it was an accumulated favour. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It wasn’t until he pulled Caleb aside before their return to Rexxentrum, and told him that he could never tell where he got his next spell that he began to doubt. Everything else Essek had done could so, so easily be at the bequest of the Bright Queen. Just little tastes to keep him interested, to keep him close enough that he might let something slip. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Just another hook to give someone else control. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But... if Essek trusted him... would put his own neck on the line to help further Caleb’s goals... maybe it wasn’t all a manipulation. Maybe what Caleb had assumed was an intricate game of debt and negotiation had just been friendship after all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek kept the Scourger alive until Caleb could visit her one last time. He brought the Nein to the ends of the earth on a whim. He did so, so, so much for them that Caleb felt like the worst kind of coward for not trusting him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Over time, he found himself slipping. Found himself wanting to see the drow, looking forward to their next lesson, their next discussion. Wanting to share all of his wildest dreams and greatest hopes for Dunamancy with one who so clearly sought to push the art to its limits. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Someone who would study it the right way, who would never have anything to do with the tortures and deprivation of Caleb’s youth. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Someone he could enjoy the thrill of discovery with, someone who would have his back if something went wrong. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Someone he could trust. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Ironically, it was the first time that Essek refused him that settled the demons in Caleb’s mind. The Nein had a bad habit of not showing their gratitude, he knew it well enough. Perhaps it was partially Essek’s fault for casting a Teleport before they’d settled on where they wanted to go, but they should have done that before calling him at all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Whatever the reason, that small gesture, Essek pulling away from his conciliatory touch, that didn’t make sense to Caleb. Didn’t fit if everything Essek was doing was a manipulation. Just a small sliver of doubt, a tiny spark of hope that he’d seen a real emotion. Who Essek really was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Even though they had made up, and Essek had apologised, it soothed the buzzing in Caleb’s mind. Essek could be mad at him. Would show him when he was mad at him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>As much as Essek’d be the first to tell him that the drow was not subtle in his displeasure, Caleb couldn’t believe it until he saw it. And if that was real... perhaps the rest was too? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The easy camaraderie. The growing affection, the pride when he mastered another spell. The soft, barely there moments of complete understanding.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>In the heady victory of their completed spell... it felt like an omen. Like a confirmation from the universe that he had been right to trust Essek. Like they’d be doing something incredible together. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It was wonderful. Even when that first attempt failed, knowing that the magic was sound, that he and Essek and Nott had created something entirely new... he couldn’t remember ever being so excited. Not even being accepted into the Soltryce Academy as a child. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And just like the Academy, his excitement blinded him to the warning signs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There must have been warning signs. Thousands of them. Ones that he had ignored, or been stupid or arrogant enough to dismiss. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Never mind how long he’d been cautious, how hard he’d fought to keep every scrap of trust from forming. It could only be his fault, his foolishness, his blind, stupid, uselessness. He should have seen through Essek’s lies from the start. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It hurt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Like swallowing broken glass. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Like a clawed hand had reached into his chest and yanked out the feeble, slowly reforming remnants of his heart. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Like salt into open wounds that had long scarred over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Trent’s fingers were in everything he touched. He’d never be free of the man. Never do enough to be redeemed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Safety was for good people, and Caleb Widogast was inextricably broken. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But he just... couldn’t walk away. No matter how much he wanted to, how much the betrayal hurt. He couldn’t just close himself up and walk away, because if Essek was beyond redemption then what hope did he have? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Why was he even carrying on? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>If Essek could not right his wrongs, then what hope was there for something as vile, as filthy, as disgusting as Caleb? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Looking at the other wizard was painfully like looking in a mirror, and seeing him for the traitor he was cemented the similarities. Caleb knew him like he knew himself, and ached with the knowledge. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>If only he had had the same at his lowest moment. If only someone could have come to him, taken him aside before that last, cursed trip home, and told him how to stop. If only someone had given him hope, showed him a path. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>How could he not give that to Essek, now that he had the chance? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>** </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Essek would have preferred rage. He was prepared for bitterness, for betrayal, for fury and abandonment and being alone again, truly by his own fault. All the way to the ship he firmed his heart, ready to lose the only friends he had ever had. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He’d have preferred yelling. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He could handle yelling. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He’d seen plenty of disappointment, of disdain, of people dismissing him merely for his youth or for not being consecuted. He had no idea how to handle kindness. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Not forgiveness, not yet, and he was eternally grateful for that. If he had just been forgiven he never could have trusted them again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He had done something monumentally stupid, he could see that now. And if the Mighty Nein had just... hand waved it away, said it didn’t matter, said it was nothing... they wouldn’t have been the kind, generous, caring crew that finally broke through his façade. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He tried to be cool. To play cold, so that it would hurt less when they cast him aside. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jester’s tears were the first crack, those whispered words that resonated truth to his very soul. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They had been nothing but kind to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But it wasn’t her eyes he was afraid to meet. Wasn’t her gentle touch that he was desperate to flinch away from, certain it would become something else. And when Caleb started talking, Essek couldn’t look away. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Trapped. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spellbound by the words of a man who knew him far, far deeper than he’d ever imagined. Caleb knew what he’d done wrong. The magnitude of his betrayal, of his crimes, reflected straight back to him in determined blue eyes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But Caleb refused to condemn him. Even now, when he’d come so close to ruining it all again, to throwing doubt on all the Nein had almost died for over and over. Caleb Widogast reached down into the core of his being and drew out the question Essek had been afraid to even contemplate. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>If he knew there was no way back, there was no point in trying. He could turn up his nose and scorn the world in return, safe and already untouchable. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Part of him knew Caleb wouldn’t allow that, ever since he’d seen the man with the scourger. The bastard knew him too well for that too. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And in the darkness of the night, alone in his cold, empty bed, Essek wept for himself and wept more for Caleb, who never should have had to know how this felt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He would find a way to be what Caleb Widogast saw in him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He would find a way to fix his mistakes, to end his poisonous relationship with the Cerberus Assembly and to make things right to his home. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He would hold this peace together with his own two hands if he had to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Because he had a duty, now; a duty to make Caleb Widogast believe that he too could be forgiven. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HK: Wish me luck everybody, I’m hoping to get something fluffy out for tomorrow T.T or for the end of the week if I muuuuust</p></blockquote></div></div>
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